The Bell Curve: Our weekly quality-of-life-o-meter
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
Then they all pile onto the Broad Street Line to celebrate the only way they know how.
[-2] An off-duty transit cop is arrested for allegedly masturbating while riding on the Broad Street Line. “Obviously this behavior is totally unacceptable from one of our employees,” says SEPTA spokesperson. “But can I just say how nice it is to see somebody enjoying their commute?”
[+2] SEPTA and a transit workers union reach a tentative deal, averting a strike. Then they all pile onto the Broad Street Line to celebrate the only way they know how.
[+2] Curbside leaf collection returns after a five-year hiatus, but the Streets Department says it will only collect piles of leaves, not bags. “I am going to fuck your shit up,” says the wind.
[0] Meteorologists change the area’s “winter storm warning” criteria from 4 inches to 5 in the area. “But that’s almost up to my neck,” says John Bolaris. That’s a short joke. A lot of people forget: He’s of below-average height. That’s a whole line of comedy to work with.
[0] Local businesses say the election season has caused the price of advertising to skyrocket, often pricing them out of TV time. Hopefully you’ve used this time to reflect on some things, Steak ’Em Up.
[+1] Four UPenn students take a one-year leave of absence to work on Down to Chill, an app they say is like Tinder, but for friends. Or like Pirate Bay, but for old people who want to talk about Jeopardy! Or Chatroulette for transit workers. Or like Tinder but with an embarrassing name.
[-3] A luxury hotel is planned for the Center City block that is currently home to several small businesses, including well-known diner Little Pete’s. The public outcry is heated, 140-characters long and quickly forgotten because the World’s Cutest Quarterback hurt his bone. #thisaggressionwilleventuallystand
This week’s total: 0 | Last week’s total: -3
